“You’re just not the same Scott I used to know.”
Ouch. The words from my old friend pierced my heart.
He was right. I’m not the same Scott I was fifteen year ago –or even ten years ago or five years ago.
I went home that evening in a somber mood. I couldn’t shake the unnerving feeling that something had changed. Why am I not as spontaneous and happy-go-lucky as I used to be? Why does my voice speak softer and in more somber tones these days?
As I spent the evening contemplating what all of this meant, the most difficult questions came to mind: Does my son know the real me? For that matter, do I really know myself anymore?
You might chalk this up to mid-life crisis, getting older, or too much time on my hands. But, I couldn’t let it go. I had to figure out what was going on.
At first, I tried to map out my changes through life-events. I jotted down the following:
- Marrying the love of my life, Jill Jarvis
- Moving from College ministry to Pastoral ministry
- Being diagnosed with Diabetes
- Becoming a Father
- The loss of my wife
- Single parenting
- New ministry position and responsibilities
At every turn I could see reasons for my changes. However, understanding those changes did not answer my most fundamental question: do I really know myself anymore? In other words, am I just a product of the circumstances of my life, or of something greater?
Here I came to my epiphany: To find my real identity, I must look to Christ, not my circumstances. (As a minister of the gospel, I am embarrassed that this was not my first instinct. However, ministers are people too. We struggle with the same issues as everyone else.)
Why must I look to Christ to “find myself?” Simple: I am not my own, I am bought with a price. I belong to Jesus. I am a new creation being transformed into His image. As my lord and master, He directs my life –including the circumstances that surround me- to shape me into who He wants me to be.
The short of it is this: As long as I am following Christ with all my heart, I can be confident in who I am TODAY in Christ, and be overjoyed in who I am becoming in the FUTURE in Christ. As for the PAST, celebrate the wonderful journey Christ has brought me through.
If it wasn’t for Christ, I would fret over the fact that I’m not the same-old-Scott. But because of Jesus, I praise God that I am the Scott He has created, and is creating, me to be!
Love reading your posts. I have struggled with this too and appreciated your perspective! Thanks!
I went through a similar struggle, where I didn’t recognize this person I had become. I found myself looking around at others for my identity and like you, it wasn’t until I looked up to Him who created me that I could be comfortable in my own skin, scars and all. It means trusting God more deeply, but He is trustworthy. Keep looking up, brother.